The sunrise of a winter sun during one of those longer adventures is a delicate thing. After 13 to 15 hours of darkness it should bring delight, joy, hope and a lot of other positive feelings – but this does not work properly while running.

Sunrises are beautiful and winter sunrises are amongst the most beautiful ones. The low angle of the sun above the horizon, the blazing hard winter skies sometimes mixed with dark black clouds – amazing.

And yet it feels distant – it feels like something behind a curtain. The hope it should bring feels weakened and faint, the joy it should bring is fragile and the offer of hope is misleading. On the one hand its overwhelming to welcome the sun again – its heartbreaking beautiful – yet, on the other hand, it belongs to a distant and somehow different reality. Its not meant for us – its meant for them. We can’t afford to truly focus on and happily dive into those feelings. We need the energy to endure and to carry on on our adventure. Every tiny bit of energy needs to be channeled into the mission to not give up – to not fail.

The sun during one of those glistening winter days feels hart and cold. Spreading all that lights on the surfaces we are used to seen in 2D LED-cones feels like wasted. All that beauty, all these wonderful reflections on all those wet surfaces are so astounding that its hart to stand. But those are not meant for us. A quick picture for social media and for the time being when the run is over is the max we can afford.

And then the sunset closes in. Way too early – as if we had known it from the beginning that this whole sun show was a big fraud. Showing the beauty of life to some but not to us. Luring us into false positive emotions.

But then – “finally” – darkness rises once more. Bringing back the hopelessness.

It would break us if we weren’t already broken.

And on we go. Into the darkness.